Background: After the 2006 release of Rocky Balboa, Slyvester Stallone continues his Farewell Tour by revisiting his other iconic character, John Rambo. Though I can’t honestly say I’ve seen a one of the first three Rambo movies from start-to-finish, being a lifetime subscriber to TNT has given me a fairly decent overview of what we’re dealing with here. Rambo is an ex-Vietnam vet with war in his blood and saltines in his mouth. He generally spends about thirty minutes engaging in some mind-numbingly clunky (and usually indecipherable) dialogue which serves to setup the unleashing of the killing machine that is Rambo, which incidentally is the Japanese word for violence. His opponents thus far have been a small-time police force (I), the Vietnamese (II), and the Russians (III). As for Stallone, at the age of 61 and fresh off an HGH smuggling scandal, cashing in on two characters from the 80s would seem to be a shameful move, but honestly, what else is he gonna do ? He’s Sylvester Stallone. Honestly, have you ever been the eyewitness to a DVD collection that included a Stallone movie in which he wasn’t playing one of these two characters ? Didn’t think so.
Synopsis: Rambo is living in
+ Uh…Rambo killed a fish with a bow-and-arrow. That was pretty cool.
+ Stallone. While other actors his age (DeNiro, Pacino, etc.) are embarrassing themselves as of late, at least Sly is doing what he does best. And really, who else could utter lines like “When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing.”
+ There is one great Bad Movie scene where the head missionary and Sara (the obligatory love interest) argue loudly about whether Rambo is worth approaching. The camera pans out and it turns out Rambo is sitting right next to them.
- Other than Stallone, who is obviously in on the joke, the acting is terrible. The missionaries and the mercenaries all utter their lines like they’re in an actual movie and this is their big break. I predict most of them will be playing Cop #2 for the rest of their lives.
- The new style of making an action movie is just infuriating. Quick cuts and unnecessary close-ups don’t make it more exciting. And another thing, does a head/arm/leg have to fly off every time someone gets shot ? Damn you Braveheart.
- The villain. The key to making a Bad Movie work is having a good villain. This one is so forgettable that I can’t even remember what differentiated him from the other Burmese soldiers. He was either wearing a fedora or had a mustache. And to make matters even worse, Rambo finishes him off in about two seconds.
-The ending. Once the bullets stop flying Sarah and her obnoxious boyfriend are both still alive. They embrace, and the camera shows Rambo with a crushed look on his face, and then it’s off to the horse farm. The ultimate killing machine gets turned into a sexually frustrated horse trainer. Good luck selling Rambo V.
Writing – 2
Acting – 3
Production - 6
Emotional Impact - 2
Music - 4
Significance - 1
Total: 18/50= 36% = F
Last Word: This is the part where I’m supposed to talk about how