April 29, 2010

Painful Moments in Movie History #1: The Animal Cracker Scene



Director
Michael Bay
Writers
Jonathan Hensleigh, J.J. Abrams, Tony Gilroy, Shane Salerno
______________________________

A.J.:
You know  what I was thinking?

Grace Stamper:
What?

A.J.:
I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.

Grace Stamper:
Why?

A.J.:
Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, and, you know, I mean putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, I just...

Grace Stamper:
Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.

A.J.:
I got like a little animal cracker, Discovery Channel thing happening right here. (affects Australian accent) Watch the gazelle as he grazes through the open plains. Now, look as the cheetah approaches. Watch as he stalks his prey. Now the gazelle is a little spooked. He could head north, to the ample sustenance provided by the mountainous peaks above. Or, he could go south. The gazelle now faces mans most perilous question: north...or, south...way down under. Tune in next week.

Grace Stamper:
Baby? Do you think it's possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?

A.J.:
I hope so. Otherwise what the hell are we trying to save?

5 comments:

  1. yah, I wanted to gouge my own eyes out while that scene played out. Man, talk about lousy writing AND lousy acting. A deadly combo!

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  2. Yeah I was using the word "painful" in the literal sense with this one. I doubt anyone can watch it without feeling extremely uncomfortable.

    I was eating some animal crackers for the first time in years. That's what spawned this, in case anyone was wondering.

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  3. Ben Affleck at his best: when you want to run into a knife-cringe-worthy

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  4. Ha! I know I'm going to love this series, Daniel, though I think it might irk some of your more intellectual readers. ;)

    I must say that I'm a little miffed that the Sand Speech from Attack of the Clones wasn't the number one choice, though. Seems the obvious choice...

    Thankfully, I've never embraced Armageddon, even for its badness, so I've never been terribly bothered by this scene. The whole movie is animal crackers for me (though kudos to them for casting William Fichtner...).

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  5. Attack of the Clones! Now there are a BUNCH of painful scenes in that movie. I'll have to see what's embeddable...

    "The whole movie is animal crackers" - ha, if that isn't a perfect description. While I've always found the patriotic "America saves the world" message rather outrageous (the speech the president gives to the world is another painful moment), I do love Owen Wilson's line about the meteor surface: "Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable."

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