Stay Cinematically Healthy by Avoiding Salt in Your Diet

Angelina Jolie: Spreading goodwill (for UNHCR) and taking names...

Well that didn't take long, did it? Or maybe it was just a dream. Only a week after moviegoers were treated to Inception's intelligent and original story (albeit maybe it not quite as intelligent as advertised), it's time for us to bracingly wake up to reality. Or, depending on if the totem is spinning, accept that this is "limbo". Wherever we are, it's a dreadfully dull place, where movies like Salt deliver a steady stream of mind-numbing clichés and altogether stupid plots. This puffy spy thriller is a particularly brainless affair: half-Bond, half-Bourne, half-baked, and, mercifully, half an hour shorter than expected, when it doesn't end but simply stops mid-scene.

Originally produced as a star vehicle for Tom Cruise before he dropped out for what can only be assumed was the disastrous Knight and Day, Salt was rewritten for Angelina Jolie (the "best woman in the world" who, we should remember, "dies for our sins"), who predictably signed on to play yet another sexy assassin. The change in gender of our anti-hero is perfectly appropriate for the purpose of the story, but that doesn't excuse the eye-rolling flourishes of Jolie making kissy faces and tiger scowls during hand-to-hand combat, or inexplicably removing her panties and using them to shroud a security camera.

REVIEW: Changeling (C-)

A full disclosure before I address this movie: For the last decade, there has been no actress who's bothered me more than Angelina Jolie. I don't know her and I don't mean to make any personal judgments about her. I think she has acting talent and I commend her efforts (whatever her motive) for bringing awareness to the plight of refugees worldwide.

But that doesn't mean I have to respect her lifestyle and it doesn't mean I have to like her movies. It doesn't mean I have to fawn over her children or her fashion sense, or that I have to ignore the fact that as arguably the most overexposed celebrity in the world, it's virtually impossible for her to disappear into any role. It doesn't mean I have to drop to my knees while she simply alternates between sexy killer (Tomb Raider, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Beowulf, Kung Fu Panda, Wanted) and tortured hero (Beyond Borders, A Mighty Heart, Changeling). It doesn't mean I have to listen to her pretentiously deliver the wisdom of an old soul as she waxes nostalgic about Hollywood's golden years (she's the oldest 35 year-old I've ever heard; you're not Meryl Streep, honey). And it certainly doesn't mean I have to accept the ridiculous notion that she has "died for my sins". Please.

I say all of this as a defense, because if you know this about me (and enough people do), you're ready to dismiss my criticism for Changeling as criticism for Jolie. But it's not. There is plenty enough wrong with this movie that has nothing to do with her, and it wouldn't be fair to tear down a movie for one performance anyway. Jolie gets a pass for this one, even though the costumed character of her Oscar-baiting performance reminded me more of an emaciated clown than a distraught mother. To be most accurate, this was Madame Tutli-Putli brought to life (let's forget I recently made the same comparison for a different movie). But Jolie was fine in her part, predictably balancing elegance with extreme emotional outbursts. So if wasn't her that I had a problem with, what was it?

For starters, the lack of a compelling story. On the surface, the true life tale of a mother battling with the corrupt L.A.P.D. over the true whereabouts of her kidnapped child sounds fascinating, but digging deeper it ends up being a bit of a bore. Equal parts Zodiac and L.A. Confidential, it lacks both the chilling moments of the former and the suspenseful intrigue of the latter. There's almost no way to form a natural connection with the characters (natural being the operative word, assuming you can ignore the manipulative filmmaking), which makes sitting through it for 141 minutes pretty tiring. There's a noirish feel around the entire production (especially in the visual style and setting), but Changeling is glaringly lacking in two of the most important elements of noir: character and tone.

Who are these people, and why should we care about them? Christine Collins (Jolie) is depicted as a saintly single mom, but we know literally nothing about her aside from the fact that her husband left her and her son, and now she works as a manager at the telephone company. She’s certainly the victim of a great tragedy here, but I guess I needed something else to latch on to. Besides, it seemed more like Angelina Jolie playing Angelina Jolie than anything else. Give me more background on Christine Collins and I’ll be better able to empathize with Christine Collins.

Even more one-dimensional than Collins is Captain J.J. Jones (Jeffrey Donovan from USA’s “Burn Notice”), the tough talking L.A.P.D. cop who writes his own rules, emotionally wavers between mildly annoyed and extremely irritated, and, for no identifiable reason, speaks with an Irish brogue. In the other corner is John Malkovich (Burn After Reading), a historically great actor who recently seems to be phoning in these blaring performances just so he has an opportunity to shout on cue. Add in a stereotypically insane villain, some annoying kids (who apparently don’t age at all during their adolescence), and evil mental hospital nurses who look like they just came off the set of an old horror movie, and you’ve rounded out the overall poor cast of characters. If not for Christine’s boss and Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone) showing some flashes of believable emotion, there might not be a real person on screen throughout the movie.

In fact, the cityscapes and period touches feel more realistic than the people speaking, and it would be fair to predict Changeling receiving some Oscar consideration for its art direction (an opportunity for Best Costume was missed by having Jolie wear the same outfit throughout the movie). Beyond that, I would be surprised if the movie made any splashes during award season.

Oh wait, I forgot. The person responsible for this mess is also the person most beloved by the Academy in recent years: Clint Eastwood.

To take nothing away from a legendary career that spans four decades, I wonder if anyone has yet to gain the courage to tell Mr. Eastwood that his recent projects (Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, Letters from Iwo Jima, all three Best Picture nominees or winners) aren’t quite as good as he’s tried to make us admit. The guy has a gift for manipulation, and I’m talking about his filmmaking, not his business practices. In Changeling, it’s evident in the cheap thriller moments (chicken spooks detective at ranch) and subliminal musical scores (throughout the legal proceedings), as well as unnecessary flashbacks (the ax and the ruler) and exaggerated running time (just because it’s long doesn’t mean it’s epic).

Angelina Jolie saves the world again at a theater near you...

I don’t want to call Changeling a bad movie as much as I want to call it a missed opportunity. On paper, the story really should have made for something more substantive, more moving or at the very least, more relatable to 2008. Kids are still going missing and the L.A.P.D. is still accused of corruption, but Eastwood fails to connect any dots and make this story relevant in the way that (never thought I’d compare these two “directors”) Ben Affleck did last year in Gone Baby Gone. Alright, so that movie took place in the present day – maybe that’s unfair. But at least Gone Baby Gone was mostly entertaining, wasn’t it? The same can’t be said for Changeling. Now excuse me while I inexplicably buy a ticket to see Eastwood’s Gran Torino next month…

Grade:
Writing - 6
Acting - 7
Production - 6
Emotional Impact - 6
Music - 4
Social Significance - 5

Total: 35/50= 70% = C-

REVIEW: Kung Fu Panda (A)

Background: As many well-made and truly meaningful animated films continue to come down the pike, it always seems like the next one won't be as special. Or is that just me? I'm trying to say that I wasn't going to see Kung Fu Panda because I didn't think it would be very good. I mean, come on, it's not even Pixar, it's Dreamworks Animation, which aside from Bee Movie hasn't produced any gems since Shrek 2. Well, a funny thing happened: people I trust (Craig Kennedy, Nick Plowman, Matthew Lucas) reported Kung Fu Panda was actually, well, really good. So I gave it shot, figuring good old Jack Black (Be Kind Rewind) wouldn't let me down this time. I was also intrigued by the other voices: Dustin Hoffman (Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium), Angelina Jolie (Beowulf), Seth Rogen (Horton Hears a Who!), Lucy Liu ("Cashmere Mafia"), Jackie Chan (The Forbidden Kingdom), Ian McShane (The Golden Compass) and David Cross (I'm Not There). And, last but not least, NEWMAN = Wayne Knight.

Synopsis : Po (Black) is a plump, clumsy, innocent adolescent panda who lives in a Chinese valley and dreams of his Kung Fu heroes, The Furious Five: Tigress (Jolie), Crane (Cross), Mantis (Rogen), Monkey (Chan), and Viper (Liu). Although Po's future is committed to inheriting his loving father's noodle shop, Po aspires to be a Kung Fu warrior trained by Master Shifu (Hoffman), a little red panda, or Master Oogway, a Yoda-like turtle. Although the area is called the Valley of Peace, it has a history of violence. Tai Lung (McShane), a snow leopard, has a bone to pick with Shifu and Oogway, and he is about to break out of prison (he destroyed the valley) to seek his vengeance. Sensing this trouble, Oogway decides to select the legendary Dragon Warrior who will receive a special scroll holding the secret to limitless powers. Here's a spoiler if you didn't catch the title of the movie yet: Po is chosen as the Dragon Warrior. Under Shifu's tutelage and The Furious Five's resentful eyes, Po struggles through his training and finds his inner strength just in time for knock-down, drag-out fight with Tai Lung. Kids go home happy.

I Loved:
+ How much of the real Jack Black leaked into his character. What a perfect role, and I especially liked the Tenacious D-inspired intro.
+ The beautiful animation during the fight sequences and Tai Lung's escape.
+ The sacred peach tree mountaintop - what a dreamy place.

I Liked:
+ The actually funny jokes - not too kiddy and not too grown-up, either. Just funny. Nice work by writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger.
+ Seth Rogen's throwaway lines. They still work, movie after movie.

I Disliked:
- That the only African-American in the cast, Michael Clarke Duncan, was relegated to voicing the big, scary, swaggering black rhino. An overused stereotype that could have easily been avoided in this situation. Just sayin', kids pick up on these things.
- That the characters seemed completely invincible. Even for cartoon violence, there has to be some realistic aspects to fighting...right?
- How much of the "real" Angelina Jolie leaked into her character. Tigress was oh-so-cool and oh-so-above-it-all, and she always knew the right thing to do at the right time to save humanity. Gimme a break...

I Hated:
- The lady in the theater who kept staring at me. Yes, I'm an adult here to watch a kid's movie, and no, I'm not going to eat your children because my appetite was ruined by the slobbering mess your family made with those concessions.

Grade:
Writing - 9
Acting - N/A
Production - 10
Emotional Impact - 9
Music - 4
Significance - 5

Total: 37/40= 93% = A

Last Word: Jack Black's perfect presence in Kung Fu Panda cannot be overstated. It's not that the supporting characters aren't likable, but every scene without Po is noticeably lacking in both humor and emotional depth. Nonetheless, it's hard not to be entranced by every frame of the movie. The animation is extraordinary (again, for a non-Pixar production) and the cutting and editing keeps everything moving at a brisk pace, while fortunately preserving the important message. Never mind that it's a familiar one - this is a new story told with new energy and a creative spirit. The gauntlet has been thrown down, WALL-E...

REVIEW: Beowulf - 3D (B-)

Background: The latest adaptation of the English legend of the Danish warrior Beowulf is the second film done using motion-capture ("mo-cap") technology, the first being The Polar Express. The actors - Ray Winstone (The Departed, Breaking and Entering), Anthony Hopkins (The World's Fastest Indian), John Malkovich (Being John Malkovich), Robin Wright Penn (Breaking and Entering), and Angelina Jolie (A Mighty Heart) - wore skintight suits with hundreds of sensors on their face and body while filming. Beowulf was directed by Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future trilogy, Forrest Gump, and The Polar Express), who is deservedly regarded as a master of visual effects, and is the only director who has used mocap. There are two versions of Beowulf in current release, but if you're going to go you might as well see the 3D version - yep, you have to wear those awesome-looking glasses.

Synopsis: Hrothgar (Hopkins) is king of a mountainous medieval Danish village. Helpless in stopping the devilish monster Grendel (Crispin Glover - yes, George McFly) that is terrorizing his town, he sends out word that the slayer of the monster will receive a rich bounty of gold. Beowulf (Winstone) shows up and talks a good game, in the process wooing Hrothgar's lonely wife Wealthow (Penn) and irritating town spokesman Unferth (Malkovich). Grendel soon arrives and Beowulf tears off his arm, a fatal wound that Grendel succumbs to in his home cave under the mourning eye of his mother, the nude water demon (Jolie). By this time we've figured out that Hrothgar was seduced by Grendel's mother, and thus Grendel was his son. Of course Beowulf doesn't know this, so he is oblivious when Hrothgar tells him to go kill her as well. Not surprisingly, Beowulf falls under her spell, but returns to the village claiming he has rid the village of her curse forever. Hrothgar sees through the lie and crowns Beowful king before throwing himself off the castle tower. Years later, Beowulf's illegitimate son, who is a dragon, predictably returns to wreak havoc on the village. A long chase and battle scene ensues before Beowulf rips out the dragon's heart. To do so, however, he has to cut off his arm, and consequently dies a martyr. We're left with Beowulf's right-hand man, Wiglaf (Brendan Gleeson from Harry Potter...), facing the temptation of the water demon once again.

I Loved:
+ The animation - the detail was dazzling.

I Liked:
+ The 3D gimmick - it didn't always work, but it was kind of cool and helped draw you further into the movie.

I Disliked:
- Robin Wright Penn's face - it looked porcelain.
- Angelina Jolie's voice - creepy, not seductive.
- The cloudy ending.

I Hated:
- Grendel, one of the most disgusting creatures I've seen in a while.

Grade:
Writing - 7
Acting - N/A
Production - 10
Emotional Impact - 8
Music - 5
Significance - 3

Total: 32/40= 80% = B-

Last Word: I haven't read the legend of Beowulf, but I can't imagine it's much more vivid than the film. That being said, I've heard that it also isn't faithful to the story. Most obviously, I would expect Beowulf to actual kill Grendel's mother. If not, what has he accomplished? Call me crazy, but doesn't the point of the story hinge on that simple fact? Otherwise the cycle just continues, and Beowulf is one in a hundred weak-willed men. I have a hunch that I missed something and she actually was killed, but it wasn't obvious to me. Somebody fill me in, please. That plot point aside, the animation in Beowulf is certainly eye-popping, even if you don't see the 3-D version. Robert Zemeckis is creating a brave new world of filmmaking with these mocap movies - literally half live action, half animation - and nothing else looks like it. Was Beowulf the best story to bring to life using mocap? I don't know, I guess you couldn't really do Grendel without it, but otherwise it didn't seem necessary. Fans of legendary fantasies or experimental animation will enjoy Beowulf, but I can't recommend it as a great example of storytelling, as it lacks substance behind all of the slickness.