Concerning the Next Decade: An Open Letter to Hollywood

May 2010

Hollywood, et.al.

N Highland Ave & Hollywood Boulevard

Hollywood, CA 90028

Dear Hollywood Producers, Writers, and Directors,

I write to you at this critical time on behalf of the worldwide movie-going public. They have not requested that I write this letter, but the situation is urgent and, selfless hero that I am, I accept that it is my duty to save the world of cinema using the judicious power of this blog. Maybe you'll make a movie out of my story one day. You have a lot of bad ideas like that, actually, which is why I'm writing this letter.

The American movie industry is, depending on who you ask, either in the midst of a record-breaking profit bonanza or an apocalyptic creative crisis. You obviously know the former to be true as you are currently being read this letter by your assistant, who works much harder than you give her credit for and who doesn't have the heart to tell you that the eco-luxe boutique lodge she just booked for you in Koh Kood lacks an on-site acupuncturist, or that the Maserati dealer just called to let you know that the platinum gear shifter you requested won't be available for two more months, or even that the organic wheatgrass smoothie you're drinking right now isn't actually organic.

Indeed, in spite of your obscene wealth you really do have a lot of the daily inconveniences and problems that wear us plebeians down on a daily basis. I'm not sure how you cope, but for relief from life's boredom and pain many of us head to the comfort of our local movie theater. There, we find ourselves presented with a variety of new releases each week provided by you and your peers. A few offerings are worthwhile but most are offensively bad - not that you would likely know, since the only thing you're watching is your bank account balloon as our hard-earned dollars pour in.

Film Studies: Back to School, for the First Time

Hey, where's "Tommy Boy"?...

As is apparent from my lack of posting on the artistry of film, and as is obvious from the absence of film terminology (i.e., mise-en-scène...which is what, exactly?) in my writing, I've never studied film. Or, for that matter, art or literature. Never taken a course, seminar, class or webinar. To be sure, when it comes to film knowledge I am a complete ignoramus compared to many movie bloggers, if that is indeed what I claim to be.

My limited knowledge is usually a source of shame and embarrassment, but there are times when I take secret pride in my ability to "get" certain aspects of a film without them being spelled out for me, like when you accidentally solve a homework problem from your older sibling's math textbook, or when you stumble over words in another language only to have the person you're talking to nod in genuine understanding. That's when it's fun, but for the most part I'm posing here as somebody who "knows about" movies, when in reality I'm only someone who watches a lot of them. I'm the Sarah Palin of movie blogging, and when nobody knows the wiser it's a pretty good gig.

Though I've never tried to hide my ignorance of film here (at least not completely), I'm now coming out to fully reveal it. I subscribe to the Sunday New York Times, and included with it this week was the quarterly insert called Education Life. It's a thin magazine-ish thing focused on university culture, and at the end of each issue is a multiple-choice "pop quiz" on some topic, presumably there just to remind upper-middle class New York Times readers that they just need a little more education.

Usually I skim through Education Life and toss it, and most times I get to the quiz and give up as soon as questions of quantum physics or 19th-century French Literature show up. But this Sunday, the Pop Quiz was on "Film Studies", and I was compelled to give it a shot. Fortunately, it's available online, saving me from having to keep score myself, and also allowing me to share it with you.

Take two quick minutes right now and give the quiz your best effort (you will need an Adobe Flash plug-in). Then come back and report your score (you can expect no judgment from me if you get zero correct).

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In the meantime, I'll share my own results, categorized by section:

• The Backstory: Questions related to film history
• My score: 4/5 answers correct
  

That I got 80% of these questions correct is very misleading. I was not sure about any of these answers but felt most confident in my correct answer for Question #5. I completely guessed on Question #3 about a German titan in the film industry and got it right.

• The Deal: Questions related to the business of film
• My score: 4/11 answers correct
  

Ouch, I was really reaching for some of these answers, and even the few I got correct were because of poorly-worded questions, such as Question #13: "Gone With the Wind was independently finance. True or False?" This is what is called a "wouldn't be asked if it wasn't obviously true" question.

• The Horror Film: Questions related to horror films
• My score: 1/3 correct

Forget that I'm not an expert on horror - I'm not even a fan. Nonetheless, I did get Question #17 (about sequels) correct.

• The Western: Questions related to Westerns
• My score: 3/5 correct

Similar to the questions in The Backstory, my correct answers here were due to educated guessing (#21, about a classic duel) and dartboard-blind guessing (#23, about a John Wayne epic).

• Film Noir: Questions related to the style (?) or genre (?) of film noir
• My score: 0/2 correct

A failing, fitting end to this quiz for me. Even though I contributed three reviews (The Big Sleep, The Asphalt Jungle, & Strangers on a Train) for MovieZeal's film noir month last August, it's worth mentioning that I was seeing the last two of the three for the first time, and that I had seen only a few of the remaining 30 noirs highlighted during the month.

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When you do the math (and fortunately, my educational background included a lot of math), you can see that I answered 12/26 questions correct for a percentage of 46% - certainly not a passing grade in any class.

What does it all mean? Maybe nothing, aside from confirming what I knew about what I didn't know. Does it invalidate my opinion on film? Definitely in some circles, but I try to tell myself that that doesn't really matter, that for the most part I don't watch movies to appreciate or criticize their artistry and influence and craft. I watch them to learn things about people and places around the world, period. And I don't think you need a degree in film to be able to do that.

What has your experience been? Do you have a degree in the arts? Care to share your score? I'm curious as to where I would rank in the percentile among the general population, but particularly among other bloggers...

The Dark Knight: Fun With History and Math

"James Cameron, you're Public Enemy #1 when I'm through with the Joker..."

One year ago tomorrow night, I, along with several million other people around the world, saw for the first time a movie that a majority of humanity considers to be one of, if not the, greatest motion pictures in the history of mankind. If you're already detecting sarcasm behind my hyperbole, consider yourself a sharp cookie.

The Dark Knight is arguably the greatest cultural phenomenon of this young millennium after Barack Obama's electoral victory. Generations from now people will tell their grandkids about how "nothing can top what we saw back in the summer of '08"; It will be remembered like a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic that nobody on the planet could escape. So, I figured it would be interesting one year later to revisit the insanity that began with Heath Ledger's tragic death in January of 2008, and culminated with the outrage following the 2009 Oscar nominations and ceremony.

The following numbers speak for themselves, but since I'm a fountain of opinion here I'll chime in with my own thoughts anyway - feel free to follow suit...

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1.3

The number of times I have seen The Dark Knight: once in its entirety on opening night (non-IMAX); and once, only partially, during a free weekend preview of HBO.

33 and 4,366

The number of weeks The Dark Knight played in American movie theaters, and the number of American theaters in which it opened; the latter being the most of any movie in history. From July through March (yes, just a short four months ago, well after its December 9th DVD release) you could have enjoyed this movie at your local multiplex. According to Box Office Mojo, it closed its run on 54 screens after 9 months (231 days) in theaters, earning $102,067 in its final official weekend. Ostensibly afraid of cannibalizing the audience for its next big hit, Warner Bros. pulled The Dark Knight from theaters days before Watchmen opened (or more descriptively, "tanked") in more than 3,600 theaters. Bet somebody lost sleep on that decision.

7

The number of official websites for The Dark Knight:

• Warner Bros.
• Concerned Citizens for a Better Gotham
• Clown Travel Agency
• City of Gotham Police Department
• Gotham Police Major Crimes Unit
• I Believe in Harvey Dent
• Why So Serious

8,275,650

The approximate number of people who, by my singular estimation, dressed up as Heath Ledger's Joker for Halloween 2008.

7

The current ranking of The Dark Knight on the IMDb's Top 250 Movies of All Time list. As you may remember, The Dark Knight debuted at and held the #1 spot for several weeks after its release as fanboys and overzealous voters essentially hijacked the site. It has received more votes than any other movie on the list other than The Shawshank Redemption, itself at the #1 spot due to a rabid cult following that led a campaign to permanently settle the Shawshank/Godfather rivalry a few years ago. That The Dark Knight was unsuccessful in its dethroning effort leads me to believe that Shawshank may be able withstand any threat from any movie for the foreseeable future.

52,996

The number of Heath Ledger fans who signed an online petition at The Ultimate Joker to "ask for the character to be withdrawn for good, to never again be used in any future Batman sequel".

481

The number of external reviews currently linked from The Dark Knight's IMDb page. You can easily add three zeroes to the end of that number to include reviews (two by me alone) from countless bloggers who did not submit their thoughts for linkage. But the number 481 is otherwise relatively meaningless...unless you consider it's a total greater than the reviews linked for The Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather, and Pulp Fiction (three of the six movies now ranked above it) combined.

This is my roundabout way of arguing that, proportionate to its first year of release, The Dark Knight has been reviewed and discussed more than any other movie in history. According to my math there is a 114% chance that your mother, cousin, co-worker, mailman, or granddaughter has an opinion on this movie, and just a shade under a 92% chance that they have reviewed it in their blog, community newspaper, or personal diary. For online consumption comparison purposes, here are the number of search results Google returns for the following queries: godfather review = 578,000 ; "citizen kane" review = 565,000 ; "pulp fiction" review = 1,770,000; shawshank review = 412,000.

If you Google "dark knight" review, you will be presented with 10,300,000 links to peruse; when this post is indexed you can make that 10,300,001.

94 and 82

The current Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic scores for The Dark Knight, respectively. Among the 41 RT critics considered the "Cream of the Crop", the score drops to 90%. The few Top Critics who dared offer a dissenting opinion on this film - Joe Morgenstern (Wall Street Journal), Stephanie Zacharek (Salon.com), David Edelstein (New York Magazine), and David Denby (The New Yorker) - have received a combined 1,073 comments on their four Rotten Tomatoes review blurbs (click on their names to read the outrageous, eventually frightening comments), and have presumably had to change their home phone numbers and addresses. Seriously.

The remaining Top Critics received a combined 622 comments for their 37 positive reviews. Here are a choice few of the 17 comments for Manohla Dargis' review blurb:

• "Ms. Dargis, this is, perhaps, the best review I've read on The Dark Knight. How many of them have I read? One-hundred and three."
• "What the hell is going on with Rotten Tomatoes? If you click on the Top Critics it says there are 3 rotten reviews for Dark Knight but I only count 3!!...Sorry I mean I only count 2!!! Salon.com and David Denby."
• "ya i'd have sex with this woman"

$533,345,358 and $1,001,921,825

The domestic and worldwide box-office totals (unadjusted for inflation) for The Dark Knight, ranking it #2 (Titanic) and #4 (Titanic, LOTR: The Return of the King, Pirates of the Caribbean 3), respectively. Scroll down here to view the full stunning list of box office records it currently holds. In context, the amount of money shelled out by people to see The Dark Knight in theaters was greater than the 2008 GDP of Liberia.

82

The number of countries in which The Dark Knight officially opened last summer, including nations from every continent but Antarctica (where it no doubt arrived closer to Thanksgiving). As unlikely as it is, I would not be totally surprised if someone, somewhere is right now seeing The Dark Knight in a theater somewhere off the Box Office Mojo grid.

2

The number of Academy Awards received by The Dark Knight, for Best Sound Editing and Best Supporting Actor. The film did not earn even a nomination for Best Picture.

10

The number of movies that will "coincidentally" be nominated for Best Picture beginning this year.

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As you can probably tell from this breakdown (and feel free to add to the numbers, by the way), I'm firmly in the "Was it really that great?" camp at this point. To be clear - the historical record will undoubtedly show The Dark Knight to be one of the biggest movies in history, and as an entertaining blockbuster I still think it was nothing short of breathtaking.

But is it still taboo to propose that it wasn't and isn't one of the "best" movies in history, but perhaps just the best comic book/superhero movie? Is the evidence that strong that Christopher Nolan revolutionized the craft of film and created an artistic masterpiece to be studied and taught from in film schools for generations to come? Has the fate of humanity been altered because of this movie?

Did we all just simply swallow the hype?

Come out, come out, wherever you are, opinion revisers...

It's the End of Spring As We Know It...

They'll be out of the gate in February pretty soon...

I've mentioned before my desire for an official Movie Offseason: a five or six week period between Oscar night and a predetermined spring date in which no new movies would be released. While I have several arguably sound reasons to support this idea, there's zero chance it will ever happen since the reasons are clearly in the interest of us, the moviegoing audience, and not them, the studio executives.

But now, before I could even prepare the submission of my proposal, Hollywood's movie calendar has been turned on its ear, and we're going in the opposite direction. On a completely unremarkable April weekend, millions of people around the world paid to watch the same movie they lined up to see less than eight years ago.

Fast & Furious (ugh...that title) violently shattered all box office expectations over the last three days, in the process potentially changing movie releases forever. As far as blockbuster openings go, Easter weekend has become the new Memorial Day weekend. From this point onward, each year's Big Summer Movies aren't going to open on Fourth of July weekend (though that hasn't been the case for some time). The first Big Ones won't open in the middle of June, the end of May, or even the beginning of May. Spring has turned to summer as far as Hollywood is concerned, and April is now the new hot month.

The success of Fast & Furious, however, wasn't really expected this April. It was originally scheduled for June (when all three of its prequels opened), but last December Universal Pictures moved its release to April. The weekend report on Box Office Mojo explains: "We're very aggressive with our release dates," said Nikki Rocco, Universal's president of distribution. "Our group spends a lot of time looking at the competitive environment. We originally had The Wolfman on April 3, and when that wasn't ready, we convinced all involved to move Fast and Furious there. [This weekend]'s precedent-setting, it opens horizons and shows that if you build it, audiences will come."

Evidently so, but four months ago Fast & Furious was still probably just considered the movie that would knock Watchmen out of the top spot. That bust disappeared from the top ten less than a month after opening, however, and which movies are going to have legs has been anyone's guess lately. Box office business has been so strong in 2009 (attendance is up 12% and revenues are up a jaw-dropping 68% from the same time last year) that nearly every movie in every month is primed to become a potential smash hit. Indeed, at this pace 2009 will be the most profitable year in Hollywood history.

Ignoring the fact that Netflix is also signing up thousands of people a day, conventional wisdom says the unstoppable flow of money is, ironically, on account of the recession. People are looking to escape and movies are relatively affordable family entertainment and we're suckers for shrewd marketing and blah blah blah.

I have another theory. Studio executives simply looked at a calendar and hatched a brilliant plan: move a couple of their summer movies from July and August into the typically quiet months of March and April. While it's true Warner Bros. attempted this with Watchmen, that was primarily because Zack Snyder's 300 set the March record three years ago, not because they were looking to take over the month. But last year, after Iron Man opened to a huge box office in May (and shockingly positive reviews, if I may say so), Paramount announced Iron Man 2 would open in - you guessed it - April of next year. That has since changed to May 7, but considering the accidental success of Fast & Furious, I'd bet money that date is returned to mid or even early April 2010.

And with that, the move will be official. Summer will creep into April and March and eventually February, but by then of course we won't be talking about seasons at all. The whole year will be a free-for-all and my official Movie Offseason will be an embarrassingly quaint idea. Studios will fight to secure the weekend immediately following the Oscars (which incidentally are being held in March next year), and the ceremony will turn from less of a celebration of the past year into a preview of the upcoming one.

And so it goes in Hollywood, always looking for the easiest buck. It's just a surprise it took them this long to discover where it was hiding - and even then by accident.

Reminder: League Registration Closes Tomorrow!

Twelve people have so far successfully conquered the online registration for the second season of the Getafilm Box Office Moguls League. There is still time to join! After tomorrow you will be locked out and forced to spend the season watching enviously from the sidelines. Your movie fandom is at stake!

Those people already in have no doubt lost sleep over the last week second-guessing their picks. Remember, you can change them whenever you want throughout the season - IF the movie you pick hasn't opened yet, and if you can afford it. I've already completely changed mine once. Keep in mind the price for each movie goes up as the release date nears. (This game is free, by the way - you're "given" $100 to invest.)

If you're not yet in, follow these "simple" rules. (I'm just pasting these from the last post):

1.) Register and create a Box Office Moguls (not Ultimate Movie Moguls) studio with a funny name. If you played last season you can just sign in and create a new studio.

2.) Join the existing private Box Office Moguls league named "Getafilm Season #2". You can search for it or I think you try from the league homepage here. The password is "getafilm". Pretty tricky. It's also the password for my offshore account.

3.) Instruct the next person you talk to in completing steps 1 and 2 at the nearest computer.

4.) Choose your "slate" of movies. You can choose up to 8, but each movie "costs" you an amount of money based on the projected success of its theater run. Huge blockbusters will cost you more and they'll make the most, but what if they bomb? And what if you choose a small, cheap independent film that slowly, gradually gains traction and becomes a massive box office success (hello, Juno)? Choose your slate now, but remember that you can change movies throughout the season as long as the movie you pick up hasn't been released anywhere yet.

5.) Tell everyone you know to go see and the movies you picked.

6.) Follow the success of each movie throughout the season.

7.) Forget to track the success of each movie throughout the season.

8.) Talk trash on the league's message board.

9.) Laugh at me when my indie sleeper pick opens in 63 theaters and then disappears after two weeks.

10.) Win an amazing grand prize. I can't say anything yet, but it may or may not involve a chance to announce the Best Picture winner at next year's Academy Awards ceremony.

For more information (including a very important tip) and to hear the chatter from those who have already joined, revisit the original announcement from last Friday.

Twelve people is fine and all, but come on, don't you people have any friends who like to play meaningless games? Get 'em in!

Good luck and thanks for playing!

Getafilm Box Office Moguls Season #1 Recap

The first season of the inaugural Getafilm Box Office Mogul League came to a dramatic close last week. Hovering near the top of the standings throughout the season, Kathie Smith's "Gamera Lives" studio rode the Batmobile to an incredible first place finish. Congrats to Kathie, who will be receiving free movie passes from a little stash that I have, even though I'm sure she doesn't even need them.

I know, I know, I'm working on a better prize for next season.

Here are the final standings and slates, and some observations:

1. Kathie - Gamera Lives

Total Box Office: $1245.89M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Strangers
Sex and the City
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
The Happening
Get Smart
Wanted
The Dark Knight

2. Tom - Per Capita Pictures

Total Box Office: $1214.08M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Strangers
Sex and the City
The Incredible Hulk
The Happening
Get Smart
Mamma Mia!
The Dark Knight

3. Matt (mnraul) - Norbit

Total Box Office: $1158.33M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
What Happens in Vegas
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Wall-E
The Happening
Mamma Mia!
The Dark Knight
Step Brothers

4. Craig - LiC Studios

Total Box Office: $1143.20M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Sex and the City
Wall-E
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Mamma Mia!
The Dark Knight
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Step Brothers

5. Matt - The Spoon

Total Box Office: $1121.79M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
Get Smart
Wall-E
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Mamma Mia!
The Dark Knight
Step Brothers

6. Josh - Oooo..Good Luck With That

Total Box Office: $1121.47M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Wall-E
Hancock
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The Dark Knight
Space Chimps
The X-Files: I Want to Believe

7. Beaver - BeavWorks SKG

Total Box Office: $1089.05M
Slate:
What Happens in Vegas
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
The Incredible Hulk
The Love Guru
Wall-E
Hancock
The Dark Knight
Step Brothers

8. Fletch - Blog Cabins

Total Box Office: $1033.02M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Postal
Sex and the City
The Strangers
The Happening
The Incredible Hulk
Get Smart
Wall-E

9. Daniel (me, obviously) - Straight to Video

Total Box Office: $996.83M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Foot Fist Way
Sex and the City
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Wall-E
Hancock
The Wackness
Step Brothers

10. Nicole - AveLallemax

Total Box Office: $908.69M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Sex and the City
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Baghead
The Wackness
The Dark Knight
Step Brothers
American Teen

11. k - Beantown Studio

Total Box Office: $788.07M
Slate:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Mongol
Get Smart
The Dark Knight
Step Brothers
Brideshead Revisited
Religulous

Observations:

- Indies were slate killers. Even though Nicole and k wisely drafted both big guns (Indy & TDK), their courageous picks of independent films resulted in disaster (I'll use that as my excuse, too, instead of the fact that I idiotically didn't draft TDK). At the end of the day, I think having indies in this game is inappropriate, especially because of limited releases. Nobody will pick any next time - but, I think a solution might be a rule that you can only pick four movies that are projected at $100M+. That way everyone has indies/smaller-budget films and the stakes are a little higher.

- Apparently, nobody switched picks mid-season. If you had the money left in your account, I believe you could have mixed and matched movies throughout the season, so long as you were only dealing with movies that hadn't opened yet. Maybe a strategy for next time.

- The end date kind of jacked things up. For example, even though Step Brothers isn't going to break box-office records, it's still going to make a little more than the $30M it's taken in so far. Same with The Dark Knight, for that matter. That being said, what can you do? The season would never end if you waited for movies to finish their theater runs. Just goes to show how important opening weekend is. Also, Kathie picked the right early movies, even though she had TDK in her back pocket.

Surprise Studs:
What Happens in Vegas
Kung Fu Panda (which NOBODY picked)
Wanted

Surprise Duds:
The Happening
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
The Foot Fist Way
Step Brothers

That's it. Thanks for playing, everybody! Like all fantasy leagues, some people are bound to check out early on and others will pay attention the whole time. It's all good. I think it was a fun game for the most part, and I plan to set up a second season later this year, maybe Oct-Dec. There will be plenty of advance notice this time, and hopefully more players.

I know it's not for everybody, but as much as you might think box-office numbers are unimportant, the reality is that they're often the reason we get so many movies like The Happening. The lesson: if you're going to go these bad movies, at least buy a ticket for something else.